Odd Gods Read online

  Dedication

  For Bari—goddess of wisdom, love, and support.

  —D.S.

  For Elliot.

  —A.J.B.L.

  For my fellow Odds, especially Zoe and Jonas.

  —D.W.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Epilogue

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Look! High up in the sky . . .

  Higher . . .

  Keep going . . . keep going . . .

  Yeah, now we’re talking! But higher!

  WHOA!!!

  Too far!

  Come back. That’s it. Back back back back back—

  STOP!!!

  We’re here.

  Mount Olympus. Home of the Greek Gods. And who rules this ancient land?

  I do.

  I . . . am great.

  I . . . am powerful.

  I . . . am master of all I survey.

  I . . . am a God.

  I . . .

  “ODDONIS! WAKE UP! YOU’LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!!!”

  . . . am dreaming.

  “ODDONIS! GET UP!!!”

  First day of school—also known as WORST day of school. Seriously, does anybody like it? They should just skip the first day and start school on the second day. Only I guess the second day would then be the first day, and everyone would hate the second day, so what’s the point?

  “ODDONIS!!!!!”

  Time to get up. And yes, you heard right: Oddonis. Not Adonis. That’s my brother. And no, I’m not the ruler of this ancient land. I’m not great. I’m not powerful. I’m not master of all I survey . . . whatever that means. And I’m not a God. Not really. I’m . . .

  . . . a little different.

  . . . a little strange.

  Let me explain.

  FLASHBACK!

  The Mount Olympus Hospital Maternity Ward.

  That’s my mom: Freya. Nordic Goddess of love.

  And see the guy pacing back and forth, talking to himself?

  That’s my dad: Zeus. Greek God of . . . like, everything.

  You could say we’re a blended family. (More mixed-up than blended, if you ask me.) You could also say my dad is just about to lose it, because he and Mom are about to have a baby!

  And look! The baby is born! Oh, and he is beautiful, isn’t he?

  Total Greek God material.

  A real Adonis.

  So, they named him—what else?—Adonis.

  Mom’s happy. Dad’s happy.

  All good, right?

  But wait! There’s more!

  Oh, baby! Another baby!

  Helloooooo! Anybody there?

  HEY! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!

  And a second baby is born! A twin! A boy! Oh, and he is . . .

  . . . umm . . .

  . . . uhhh . . .

  . . . well . . .

  Me.

  Not exactly Greek God material.

  Dad looks at me, looks at Mom, looks back at me, looks back at Mom, and says . . .

  “THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

  Hmmm. (Personally, I think I looked kinda cute!)

  And so they named me—what else?—Oddonis.

  FLASH FORWARD!

  YIKES! I kind of wish I hadn’t flashed forward. I’m staring in the mirror, and this is what I see looking back at me.

  And it’s a bigger YIKES than usual, because today isn’t just any old first day of school. It’s the first day of MIDDLE SCHOOL. A new school. A new year. And hopefully, a new start.

  Some of you might be asking, “Why a new start, Oddonis?” Others of you might be asking, “Why a third nipple, Oddonis?” Well, I can’t help you with the nipple, but I can tell you about the new start.

  FLASHBACK! AGAIN!

  Here I am in grade school. Spartacus Elementary School, to be exact. I’m probably in first grade. (Still think I’m kinda cute!) Awww—and I’m playing in a sandbox, right? Well, not for long. Look what happens next.

  There’s my brother and his God friends, “digging” what they’ve done. That’s how life rolled in grade school. The Gods pretty much did whatever they wanted, while the rest of us who weren’t Gods got . . . buried. On Mount Olympus, it’s all about the Gods. Gods, Gods, Gods.

  Everybody knows about the Gods and all their amazing powers. But what most mortals don’t know is that there’s a whole bunch of us on Mount Olympus who aren’t really Gods!

  Some of us have weak powers, or weird powers, or powers nobody wants, or no powers whatsoever. And others—like, say, for example, ME—have no idea what our power is, or if we even have a power. Believe me, I’ve tried to figure that one out for a long, long time. So far, it’s basically been a process of elimination.

  Here’s what I know I’m not:

  I’m not strong.

  I’m not athletic.

  I’m not artistic.

  And you know what really doesn’t help? My brother is ALL THAT!!!

  STRONG!

  ATHLETIC!

  ARTISTIC!

  AND he’s the God of beauty and desire? WHY??? It isn’t fair. Adonis gets everything, and me? Not so much! That’s why I’m hoping middle school is a new start. Three grade schools—Spartacus, Zorba, and Troy—all lead to Mount Olympus Middle School, so you get three times more kids. That means more kids who are Gods (like my brother), but more kids who aren’t Gods, too (like me)! Look, I know it’s school, and I know we’re not EVER supposed to be excited for school, but today I think I kind of am.

  WHOA—and if I don’t hurry, I’m going to be late!

  One thing I really like about the first day of school: Mom always makes a big breakfast—Greek yogurt, Greek omelets, Greek toast (okay, it’s French toast, but Dad insists we call everything Greek). Mom’s probably the worst cook in the world, but this is her best meal of the year! So you can imagine my disappointment when I get down to breakfast, and all I see are my dad and brother with very full tummies, and a whole pile of very empty plates.

  “You snooze, you lose, son!” says my dad.

  “You sleep, you weep, little brother!” says my NOT BIG BROTHER. (He was only born like two seconds before me!)

  “I’m sorry you missed breakfast, sweetie,” says my mom, “but you shouldn’t have slept so late. I’ve got a special surprise for you, though: fiskesuppe!”

  Fiskesuppe is Norwegian for “fish soup.” It’s basically a bunch of fish guts mixed in with some twigs and roots. There’s even eyeballs in there! And my mom LOVES it! She makes a big pot of it every morning. She also burns it every morning. Nothing like starting the day with burnt twigs and fish guts!

  “I’m not really hungry, Mom,” I lie. I’M ACTUALLY SO HUNGRY!!!

  “You have to have breakfast,” says Mom, ladling fiskesuppe into my bowl.

  “Most important meal of the day,” says Dad from behind his newspaper.

  Meanwhile, my soup is staring at me.

  Then, out of nowhere, Adonis actually does me a favor. He winks at me and says to Mom, “No time, Ma! School chariot’s coming!”

  “Sorry, Mom!” I say, and grab a NutriGreek bar for the road.

  “Let’s roll, little bro,” Adonis says. “Time for me to destroy middle school!”

  Dad puts down his paper and says to Adonis, “You know what I expect, son.”

  “You got it, Pops!”

  “What Olympus expects.”

  “Yes, sir! Perfection, sir!”

  “Precisely. Go get ’em, tiger!”

  Mom rolls her eyes. I wait for Dad to say something to me, but he doesn’t, so I say to him, “How about me, Dad? What do you expect from me?”

  “You?” asks my dad, furrowing his brow. Then he looks at me, stammers a bit, and says, “Just . . . try, Oddonis—that’s all anyone can ask.”

  Hmmm.

  Adonis and I grab our backpacks and walk out to the corner to wait for the school chariot. I’m still a little shaken by what my dad said back there, but I’m pretty happy that my brother did me a solid at breakfast. Who knows? Maybe this is the start of a new relationship for us. Maybe we’ll become not just twin brothers, but best friends, too!

  “Hey, Oddy,” Adonis says to me. “Go stand behind that tree until the chariot comes. I don’t want anyone to see us together.”

  Or . . . maybe not.

  The yellow school chariot arrives. I wait until Adonis gets on, then I slink out from behind the tree and hop on after him. The most depressed-looking chariot driver I’ve ever seen greets me. He looks like he’s about to cry.


  “I’m Phaethon, your driver,” he mutters mournfully. “My father is Helios, the Sun God. He granted me one wish, and I asked to drive his sun chariot across the sky. He said it would be too much for me. I said it wouldn’t be, but it was, and I crashed. As punishment, I’m doomed to drive this school chariot for all eternity. Take a seat.”

  Okaaaay. I take a quick glance around the chariot. It’s all business in the front—everyone’s staring straight ahead, no one’s talking—but it’s a party in the back. That’s where the Gods are. I look closer and see that they’ve piled all their backpacks across one of the rows of seats, so only Gods can sit behind there. Of course Adonis is back there, whooping it up with his best friends, Poseidon and Heracles.

  Meanwhile, I’m scanning the chariot to see if there’s anyone I can sit with. Then I hear, “Oddy! Sit here!” and I realize my best bud is calling me! Yes!!! But then I realize someone’s already sitting next to him. No!!!

  “I can’t,” I say under my breath. “The seat is taken!”

  “Oh, I’ll take care of that.”

  OH

  MY

  GODS!!!!!

  It smells like a combination of

  FETA CHEESE,

  A WET FERRET,

  AND FEET!

  It’s a Feta Ferret Feet Fart! Immediately all the kids nearby get up and squeeze into the other side of the chariot, and I sit down next to the heart of the fart, my best friend . . . Gaseous.

  “Wow, that’s bad,” I say.

  “I’m a little gassier than usual this morning,” says Gaseous. “I think I’m nervous about starting middle school.”

  “Sorry,” says Gaseous while I check to see if I still have my eyebrows.

  “You got a problem, Fire Butt?” says a voice from above. Gaseous and I look up to see Poseidon looming over us, holding his trident in one hand and his nose in the other. He is not pleased.

  “No problem,” Gaseous replies. “Just a little gas leak, that’s all.”

  “A gas leak?” says Poseidon, turning to the rest of the chariot. “Attention, everyone! We’ve got a gas leak here. Nobody panic! I’ve got the situation under control.”

  Uh-oh.

  “I always say, where there’s smoke, there’s fire—so the best thing to do is put the fire out, am I right?”

  “Right!” yell the Gods.

  Poseidon takes a deep breath in, and I’m thinking, oh, great—here comes a spitball, but when Poseidon opens his mouth, a tidal wave comes out. I try to tell him I’m not on fire, but there’s so much cold water being dumped on my head, it sounds like “Gggglll—I’gg luhhg bbl fgglubb!”

  When Poseidon finally turns off the waterworks, he announces, “All clear here.”

  If this is my “new start,” I think I’ll take the old one!

  Gaseous and I are still soggy when we pull up to school. Kids file past us as they leave the chariot—some of them staring, more of them snickering. My brother and Poseidon laugh out loud as they walk by, and my brother shouts, “Cleanup on aisle nine!”

  “I thought things would be different this year,” I sigh.

  “It’s probably just the chariot,” says Gaseous. “It’s not school.”

  I pull a clump of seaweed out of my hair and exit the chariot. Gaseous turns to Phaethon and says, “Thanks for the ride.”

  “I have no choice,” replies Phaethon. “My father is Helios, the Sun God. He granted me one wish, and I asked to drive his sun chariot across the sky. He said it would be too much for me. I said it wouldn’t be, but it was, and I crashed. As punishment, I’m doomed to drive this school chariot for all eternity. . . .”

  “Geez, talk about a downer,” Gaseous says.

  “I hope this year isn’t a downer,” I say.

  “Come on, dude—this is Mount Olympus Middle! It’s gotta be better than grade school. Doesn’t it??”

  My flatulent friend might be right. The sun is shining, the sky is bright blue, and as we climb the gleaming marble steps of M.O.M., it sure looks awesome.

  From the steps, we can see someone standing by the front door, telling everybody where to go. Wow—it’s Ares, the God of war! He’s an eighth grader, and a total beast! How cool is that? Ares is welcoming ME to middle school! Gaseous and I mouth, “Oh, boy, is this GREAT!” to each other. Ares smiles, looks us right in the eyes like we’re old pals, and says:

  “W—w—what?” I stammer.

  “This is the Gods’ door. You go in there,” says Ares, pointing to his left.

  “You mean, the door right next to this one?” Gaseous asks.

  “Right,” says Ares.

  “Is that just for today?” I ask.

  “Every day,” Ares replies.

  Gaseous lets out a tiny PFFFFFFT.

  “Welcome to middle school,” sneers Ares.

  Okay, so let me recap.

  Well, that makes sense. Gaseous and I walk through the “other” door, shaking our heads, and head off to our first stop of the day: A.M. Assembly.

  When Gaseous and I get to A.M. Assembly, we see the Gods have already grabbed one whole side of the auditorium. We settle in and wait for the assembly to start. Here’s the weird thing, though: no one’s talking. First-day jitters, maybe? Or does something happen to you if you talk? Anyway, the more no one talks, the more no one else talks. It’s totally quiet . . . and totally awkward! Seriously, is there anything more uncomfortable than a bunch of kids sitting completely silent in a big room?

  “It’s too quiet, dude,” whispers Gaseous. “It’s making me nervous. And when I get nervous, my stomach gets nervous. And when my stomach gets nervous, stuff starts to happen. . . .”

  “No no no no no,” I hiss. “Not here! Not now!”

  Gaseous lets out one of those long, loud, air-going-out-of-a-balloon farts, and the auditorium goes crazy—in a bad way. Girls are screaming, boys are laughing, and everyone is staring . . . at Gaseous and me. It feels like we’re . . .

  Just when I think I’m going to have to transfer schools, a super-spooky noise comes from behind the auditorium curtain.

  First, there’s a

  CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAKKKK!!!

  followed by an even creepier

  OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

  Then, a skeleton wearing a black robe appears! And speaks!

  “OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” the skeleton moans. “OHHHHH . . . OHHHHH . . . OHHHH . . . OHH, where did I put my glasses? Silly me, they’re right here in my pocket! Silence, please! Good morning. I am Principal Deadipus.”

  “All right, settle down,” the principal says. “First, I have an important message to all students from the custodial staff: be considerate of others and kindly flush the toilet when you are done!”

  “Oh, please—all I said was ‘toilet,’” sighs Deadipus. “Are you really that immature?”

  “OHHHH!!!! is right! Now, to those of you who are back, and to those of you who are new, I would like to welcome you all to Mount Olympus Middle School. You are about to embark on a wondrous journey. You will learn and grow and find out who you really are. Some of you already know that you have certain powers. . . .”

  “Quiet!” scolds Principal Deadipus. “While others of you might not know . . . yet. But each of you sitting here today has something to offer. And your teachers and I are here to help you discover what that something is. We will help you discover and develop your powers, whatever they might be. When I think back over my many years of teaching . . .”

  “Did you hear that?” I whisper to Gaseous as Principal Deadipus drones on about his youth . . . when dinosaurs were probably around. “They’re going to help us find our powers!”

  “You think they’ll make my farts more powerful?” asks Gaseous.

  “I don’t think that’s possible,” I say. “But you can dream!”

  “Maybe they’ll help you figure out your power, Oddy!” whispers Gaseous. “That would be cool!”

  “And there will be one thing more that we ask of you,” Principal Deadipus says. “We will ask you to choose a class president. Someone who represents all of you, who embodies Olympus’s highest, most glorified ideals. Someone who will be our school’s ambassador to the Council of Gods, and Zeus himself!”