The Oddyssey Page 6

  “Allergic to what?” I ask.

  “DYING!!!”

  “Like it or not,” I sigh, “we have to go after those idiots.” I peer into the pitch-black abyss on the other side of the door, turn to Mathena, and say, “Ladies and poultry first?”

  “Please. After you,” she replies. “We insist.”

  I take a deep breath, step through the doorway, and

  It’s like the world’s longest, darkest, fieriest, creepiest playground slide ever!

  I land with a THUD on the floor of a cave, and then everyone else lands with a THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD on top of me!

  “ODDY! HELP! GET US OUT OF HERE!” cries my brother. But where is my brother? I hear him, but I don’t see him!

  “LOOK UP!” yells Poseidon.

  Here’s a handy tip: whenever you hear “HELP!” followed by “LOOK UP!”—it’s not good!

  “What are we supposed to do?” I ask. “You’re in a steel cage hanging over a lava pit!”

  “Right! And it’s all your fault!” spews Adonis.

  “MY fault?” I cry. “How do you figure that? I’M not the one who keeps leaping before he looks!”

  “Well, we wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t turned Dad into a toddler!”

  “I didn’t do that! Hades did that!”

  “With your help, brozo!”

  “Hey, you chose to come along on this trip!” I say. “I didn’t make you!”

  “Well, you’d still be doing the Undie with Tightywhiteyus if it weren’t for me!”

  “Oh, please, don’t get me started—”

  Our catfight is interrupted by a loud and sinister laugh that echoes through the colossal cavern.

  “HAHAHAHAHA!” the voice booms. “PLEASE KEEP GOING! IT’S LIKE A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE!”

  “Who said that?” asks Adonis.

  “YOU SOUND JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER AND ME WHEN WE WERE YOUR AGE!” thunders the voice.

  It’s HADES! He’s here! He’s there! He’s . . . EVERYWHERE! Oh my Gods, this is it! The moment we’ve all been waiting for!

  From out of the shadows, Hades slowly emerges.

  Wow—sure wasn’t expecting that!

  “Well, well, well,” murmurs Hades. “You made it. Hello, nephews.”

  “H-h-hi, Uncle H-H-Hades,” I stammer. “Long time no see.”

  “Oddonis,” Hades says, looking me over. “My, my, my. So grown-up.”

  “What about me?” Adonis shouts from his cage. “Have I grown up?”

  “Physically, yes, Adonis,” replies Hades. “But emotionally, not so much. Why do you think you and your impetuous friends are up there? You’re just like your dear old dad—or, should I say, your dear young dad?”

  “We need to talk to you about that, Uncle Hades,” I say.

  “Of course we do. But first, I want to spend time with my nephews and meet all your friends. No one ever visits me! We’ll have dinner together, and then you’ll stay for the night. You all look like you could use a long, long rest.”

  One more handy tip: whenever you hear “a long, long rest” and you’re in the UNDERWORLD, that’s not good, either!!!

  Hades tells us to freshen up before dinner.

  I’m certainly not going to ask anyone because they probably know exactly what to freshen up and I’ll look like a loser! I just stare into the bathroom mirror until Mathena knocks on the door and says, “Done freshening up?”

  “You bet!” I say with way too much excitement. “So fresh! Really fresh! Pretty much everything on me is all freshened up!”

  “I’m fresh as a daisy!” adds Gaseous.

  “Will you two focus, please?” says Mathena. “We’ve got to figure out how to get Hades up to Olympus!”

  “Yeah, but how are we going to do that?” whines Gaseous. “In case you hadn’t noticed, Hades is a God! And Adonis, Poseidon, and Heracles are all locked in a cage!”

  “Gaseous is right,” I say. “Without their powers, we’re nothing.”

  “Are you kidding?” cries Mathena. “Have we been on the same odyssey? Did those guys help us get past the Whyclops? Or Mumce? Or the Sirens? Or King Tightywhiteyus? NO!!! Well, Tightywhiteyus maybe, but other than giving some wicked wedgies, the Gods have been totally useless!”

  “Hey, Mathena’s right!” shouts Gaseous. “We Odds beat the odds!”

  That’s when—

  “Wait! You know who else is odd?” I say. “Hades! Think about it! He’s always been an outcast. That’s why he’s down in the Underworld while his brother is up on Mount Olympus!”

  “So what’s your point?” asks Mathena.

  “We’ll never force Hades to undo the spell he put on my dad. He’s too proud, and too stubborn. But maybe we can trick him into doing it!”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know,” I reply. “But I do know that he needs to trust us first. We need to show Hades that he’s an Odd, just like us—and that we like him because of his oddness, not despite it!”

  A loud GONG sounds, calling us to dinner. As we make our way there, Principal Deadipus claps his skeletal hand on my shoulder and says, “A wise and mature suggestion, Oddonis. It turns out youth is not always wasted on the young!”

  I’m not exactly sure what Deadipus’s old-guy words mean, but some of them definitely stick in my brain.

  “Wise . . . mature . . . youth . . . young . . .”

  Humongous hmmm!

  We creep back into Hades’s cavern, where a long dining table has been set with all sorts of fancy plates and silverware. Lit candles cover the dark cavern walls, and organ music plays in the background. Super spooky!

  But not as spooky as the menu!

  “I think I lost my appetite,” whispers Gaseous.

  “Welcome to my humble home, dear friends and family,” says Uncle Hades.

  “It’s beautiful, sir,” chirps Mathena. “So cozy, and stylish, and warm—”

  “It’s warm, all right!” calls Adonis from above. “LIKE AN OVEN!”

  “Please ignore him, sir,” Mathena says. “He has no taste.”

  “You really like it?” asks Hades excitedly. “Most of my guests don’t. They think it’s strange!”

  “WELL, THAT’S A SHOCKER!” shouts Adonis.

  “I really love my glassware,” says Hades. “Don’t you, Principal Deadipus?”

  “I’ve missed you, Uncle Hades,” I say. “Why don’t you come to visit us anymore? Is it too far?”

  “Heavens no, Oddonis,” replies Hades. “I can travel wherever I want with a snap of my fingers! I just say where I’m going, and bang—I’m there!”

  “Really?” I ask.

  “You don’t say!” adds Mathena.

  “One snap!” says Hades. “No, the reason I never visit is simple: my brother hates me!”

  “I can relate to that,” I say.

  “Oh, boo-hoo!” fake-sobs Adonis.

  “It wasn’t always that way.” Hades sighs. “Zeus and I were best friends when we were little. He was actually very sweet! But then he got power—and that was the end of that.”

  “He is sweet!” I say. “Well, sometimes, at least. That’s what’s been so great about your spell! It’s like having a brother I actually get along with!”

  “I heard that!” yells Adonis. “Hell-oooooo! What is wrong with all of you? Why are you making nice with this guy? You’re all so odd!”

  “He’s got a point, Uncle Hades,” I say. “We do have a lot in common.”

  “Hmmm,” says Hades. “It’s true. I’ve always been a bit of a misfit. Nobody understands me, or acknowledges me—especially my brother. But I’m important. I’m a God!”

  “Yeah!” mocks Adonis. “GOD OF THE DEAD!”

  Hades sighs. “That’s what they all say. But death is a part of life! And death makes life more precious! Why can’t anyone see that?”

  “I see it, Uncle Hades,” I say. “And I think it’s cool. In an odd sort of way.”

  “I see it, too, sir,” echoes
Mathena. “What you said about life and death really adds up!”

  “Abso-PFFFFFFing-lutely!” toots Gaseous. “For a guy who lives in the Underworld, you’re pretty chill, Hades. You’re like one of us! You’re not just a God . . . you’re an Odd God!

  “I think I’m gonna be sick!” groans Adonis.

  “Thank you,” Hades says humbly. “It is nice to be appreciated, for once.”

  “And speaking of appreciated, how about that birthday poem Hades wrote to cast his spell on Zeus?” I say to everyone. “Was that brilliant or what?”

  “It was clever, wasn’t it?” grins Hades.

  “Clever?” Mathena gasps. “It was genius!”

  “Totes, dude!” adds Gaseous. “You make Homer sound like a gomer!”

  “I just wish I could remember it!” says Mathena. “How’d it go again?”

  “I think I remember!” I reply. “Wasn’t it . . .

  “And for your happy birthday treat,

  I here perform this childish feat,

  From here on out a kid you’ll be,

  And act like you’re a wee baby!”

  “No, no, no!” Hades laughs. “But very close! It’s—

  “And for your happy birthday gift,

  You’ll hereby make this boyish shift,

  From here on out, a child you’ll be,

  And act as though you’re only three!”

  A bolt of lightning crackles inside the cavern, followed by a clap of thunder! Hades’s lair fills with dense smoke. The fog is so thick that I can’t see my hand in front of my face!

  “Is everyone okay?” I cough.

  “BLRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTT!!!!”

  “WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST SAY ‘YES,’ GASEOUS???” cries Deadipus.

  The smoke clears, and it appears we’re all fine. Everyone, that is, but Hades. He wipes his nose, blinks his eyes, and whimpers to Mathena and me:

  “MAMA? DADA? HADES NO LIKE BOOM BOOM!!!”

  “You did it, Oddy!” cries Mathena.

  “WE did it!” I reply.

  “What were you trying to do???” screams Adonis.

  “HAHA!” cackles Gaseous. “Having clueless Gods around helps, too!”

  “Well played, my boy,” Principal Deadipus says to me.

  “Awww! Thanks, Principal D,” I say.

  “YAY FOR DADA!” squeals Hades.

  “I’m not your dada, Hades.” I chuckle. “But I am part of your family. And you know who else is? That guy up there! Adonis!”

  “YUCK!” scowls Hades. “ADONIS POOPY HEAD!”

  “He can be.” I smile. “But he’s okay . . . sometimes.”

  “Gee, thanks a lot!” sulks Adonis.

  “And you know who else is okay?” I tell Hades. “Your brother, Zeusy!”

  “ZEUSY!” Hades gasps. “ME LOOOVE ZEUSY!”

  “Do you want to see Zeusy?” Mathena asks Hades.

  “YEAH YEAH! SEE ZEUSY! SEE ZEUSY! SEE ZEUSY!!!!”

  With Little Hades’s approval, we’re able to lower Adonis and the rest of the captives down from their precarious perch. Then we all gather together in a circle around my underage uncle.

  “Ready, Hades?” I say. “Just yell ‘Zeusy’s house’ and snap your fingers!”

  “OKEY DOKEY SMOKEY!” cries Little Hades. “BUT HOW YOU SNAP?”

  Oh, geez. Ever teach a kid how to snap his fingers? It’s not easy! But finally, after a long and frustrating tutoring session—and a lot of snack time—Little Hades finally gets it. We’re ready for takeoff!

  None of us has any idea what’s about to happen—but we all agree that it’s gotta be better than going back the way we came!

  “Okay, Hades,” Mathena whispers encouragingly. “Say ‘Zeusy’s house,’ and then snap Mr. Fingers! One . . . twooo . . . threee . . .”

  “ZEUSY’S HOUSE!”

  “WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!”

  This is how my uncle travels????

  POOF!!!

  I open my eyes and we’ve landed—right in the middle of my living room!

  My mom and my aunts scream, “THANK GODS! YOU’RE BACK!!!”

  Hades takes one look at them and screams, “HI, SISTIES! HI, MAMA!”

  Mom’s excitement quickly evaporates.

  “Oh, great,” she moans. “Another one!”

  I don’t think I’ve ever been hugged and kissed and squeezed so much in my entire life. Everyone is as happy to have us back as we are relieved to be back! It takes time for us to unwind—and for my cheeks to stop hurting from being pinched so hard—before we can begin to tell the story of our incredible oddyssey. Luckily, Zeusy is upstairs napping, and Hestia and Demeter are entertaining the King of the Underworld with a sock puppet.

  “I can’t believe you were able to trick Hades like that!” Mom exclaims.

  “Hey, I did what I had to do!” brags Adonis.

  I??? I . . . I . . . ¡Ay yi yi!

  “Well, I think it’s amazing, Adonis,” Mom says. “You did all that, AND you brought everyone home safe and sound? Including your brother? Takk skal du ha, kjære. Thank you for taking such good care of him!”

  “Oh, it was nothing,” Adonis replies.

  “So how is Hades going to reverse the spell?” asks Mom excitedly.

  “Uhhh . . . good question,” Adonis hems and haws. “But that’s Oddy’s department. How is Hades going to reverse the spell, Oddy?”

  “Umm . . . I . . . guess I hadn’t thought about that part,” I say.

  Mom gasps. “You hadn’t thought about that?!?”

  “Yeah, you hadn’t thought about that?!?” echoes Adonis.

  “No—but Hades is so psyched to see Dad,” I protest. “Isn’t that great?”

  “Well, Dad won’t be psyched to see Hades, I can tell you that!” Mom argues. “Have you heard the way your father talks about his brother?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “But nothing!” snaps Mom. “We could be looking at Trojan War II right here in this house!”

  “Nice going, Oddy,” hisses Adonis.

  Just then, we hear a loud yawn from upstairs, followed by, “ZEUSY UP! ZEUSY COME DOWN NOW!!!”

  Hades’s ears perk up. “ZEUSY?”

  “Oh nei,” mutters Mom. “Oh nei, oh nei, oh nei . . .”

  Next, we hear footsteps slowly coming down the stairs. CLOMP. CLOMP. CLOMP. It’s like a horror movie! With every step, my whole body tenses. My aunts hold each other tight, their hands clapped over their mouths. Mom is covering her eyes and peeking through her fingers. And Hades is bobbing up and down and hopping from foot to foot like he has to pee! Finally Zeusy appears in the doorway, hair tousled, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He yawns again, looks up at all of us, sees Little Hades, and . . .

  “HADEY?”

  “ZEUSY?”

  The two brothers toddle toward each other, until they’re almost nose to nose. They cock their heads at one another like puppies.

  “HADEY WADEY!” chirps Zeus.

  “ZEUSY WOOSY!” squeals Hades.

  “Hadey Wadey mad at Zeusy Woosy?” asks Zeus.

  “Hadey Wadey not mad at Zeusy Woosy,” Hades replies. “Hadey Wadey LOVE Zeusy Woosy! Zeusy Woosy mad at Hadey Wadey?”

  “Zeusy not mad!” Zeus cries. “Zeusy LOVE Hadey!”

  Dad and Hades stare at each other. They blink, they gulp, and finally . . . THEY HUG!!!

  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ALL BECAUSE OF A HUG???

  The smoke clears, and Dad and Hades are staring at each other again—but not in a good way.

  “HADES!”

  “ZEUS!”

  “OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Dad roars.

  “WITH PLEASURE!” Hades bellows. “TO THE UNDERWORLD!”

  Hades is just about to snap his fingers when, out of nowhere, a voice thunders, “STOP! STOP RIGHT THERE! BOTH OF YOU! DON’T. YOU. MOVE!!!”

  I look around the room, turn to Gaseous, and whisper, “Who said that?”

  “Uhhh . . . ,” Gaseous replies. “That was you, dude.�
��

  Wait! That was me??? Oh, yeah! You’re darn right that was me! I’m mad! I’m talking Minotaur-in-a-maze mad! Puneous-in-a-slam-dunk-contest mad! I’m FURIOUS!

  “Listen, you two—we didn’t make it through the Whyclops and Mumce and the Sirens and Underwear World and the Underworld to watch you do this!” I scold. “Didn’t you hear yourselves a minute ago? You said you loved each other! What happened?”

  “We grew up,” says my dad.

  “It’s complicated,” says my uncle.

  “But it’s not complicated!” I shout. “You’re family! Of course you’re going to bug each other! But deep down, you really do love each other! We all just saw it! And isn’t that what matters most?”

  “I don’t know,” Dad mumbles.

  “Me neither,” Hades grumbles.

  “Look,” I say. “My brother once told me, ‘We’re Gods. We fight. That’s what we do.’ Well, call me Odd, but I think there’s more to being a God than that. If you’re a God, you’ve got to be GODLY, too! You know—like, GOOD! Both of you were good when you were little. Then you got big and messed it all up! So why don’t you stop acting like grown-ups and start behaving like children again?”

  Ever so slowly, like two wary porcupines, Dad and Hades scowl, shrug, sigh, and at long last, smile.

  “We’ll try,” they say together.

  “FFFLLLLLPPPPP FFFLLLLPPPPP POORAY!” booms Gaseous.

  “That’s what I call a formula for success!” adds Mathena.

  “It’s a pretty tall order,” says Puneous. “But I think they can do it!”

  “I’m so proud of all of you!” Mom cries. “And I’m so grateful for what you two boys did for your father and me—especially you, Adonis. You’re my hero!”

  “What did he do?” asks Dad.

  “Oh, nothing much—just saved Olympus, that’s all! I’ll explain later . . . Zeusy!”